Feelin' Good in General

I didn't wake up feeling good today, so I know it's not just one of those days where everything is dandy. And it's not drug induced, because I haven't done any for a while (at least, a while for me). Except cigarettes but I don't think that I COULD ave a good day without cigarettes. Those of you who know me know this to be true. And it wasn't Eloise because I haven't seen her since Saturday.

So, I must find the cause for these positive feelings. I blame it on a several factors. First of all, my psych test was a joke, the easiest shit I've ever had to do whilst being locked in a room for 2 hours. Not to say that I aced it, but it was far less painful than I anticipated, and the fact that I didn't actually do any study didn't mean that I couldn't answer any of the questions. There was only 1 question I didn't do, and it was just a short answer one, so not important. Secondly, I snuck into the school library (even though I'm suspended and forbidden from being on the premises unless I have a test to go to) and clandestinely finished an essay that is 4 and a half weeks late. Maybe 3 and a half, I can't remember. And then I handed it in to Iain, who thanked me and then told me to get off school property. Thirdly, I bumped into Declan on the way home and accompanied him to the Ainslie shops. Then I bought a coke at the IGA and went across the road to the bus stop. It was at the bus stop that I realised I felt good, so I think it must have been that bottle of coke that made my day so good. Post hoc, ergo proctor hoc. That's a logical fallacy "After this, therefore because of this".

It was interesting, because it's the first time I've made myself feel good about myself for a long time. And it felt good. But I'm glad it happened because it made me realise that I can actually make myself feel okay and I don't need weed to do it. I don't want to go saying things I can't follow through on, but I'm thinking that maybe I can bring my pot use back under control, at least to an extent. Because I'm getting a clarity of thought that I haven't had for a while. Maybe that's not true, I'm sure my thoughts are pretty much this clear whenever I'm sober, but I've given my brain enough time to replenish the neurotransmitters that make me feel happy. As in, I've gone through the comedown period after drug use where you just feel depressed because you've used up all your fucking serotonin in getting high. Which is partly why I think I've had so much trouble of late. I just haven't given myself the time to get back to normal. With the holidays I should have less trouble staying sober, weed's not been pushed in my face all day at Eloise's place. Which isn't to say that I've been forced to smoke-up all the time, quite the opposite, but you know what they say, "out of sight, out of mind".

I think I also feel so good today because Eloise helped me figure out what the fuck I'm doing next year. I think part of the reason I've been drug-fucked is because I've been feeling like I have nothing to aspire to. Until recently I thought that I was going to have to go to Uni, which, now I think about it, I really don't want to do. Not so soon after college, at least, because another part of the reason I've been at it so much is because I just don't want to have to deal with school. I also realise that a large part of the reason is me, because I'm a weak-willed fuck-wit, but I didn't want to mention that. The only reason I'm bringing it up now is so that no-one else does, because yes, I am aware it is largely my fault. I'm just trying to make myself feel a little better about it.

But I'm going off topic, and if I write all about pot in this entry then I won't be able to do an entry on it later. Let me say this though, I also do it because it's pretty fucking fun and I've been doing it so much because at some point I realised that you can still do things you're meant to when you're stoned, so I had no incentive to stop. But now I see that I don't need it to feel good, generally at least, so I'm gonna attempt to do it much less frequently.

Anyways, three posts in three days, a feat unlikely to be repeated on this blog. Unless you cunts actually start making other cunts read it so that I can make some monies, but I don't expect that to happen anytime soon.

The Cad